Final Entry, on the evening of Silk Talons: Epilogue
From Ginal's Journal:
When I first came to Gridania six months ago, I was just looking for a place to start my life over after I had finally finished mourning for my parent's deaths in the Calamity. Though I had Grezel watching out for me, and nudging me in particular direction here and there, I was terrified of what life had in store for me.
I was directionless. I was a nobody. And I was very much alone.
I only joined up with the Lancer's Guild because I hoped I could learn how to defend myself from this world that has so often rejected me. My night were long, cold and lonely, with my only comfort coming from looking to that one cluster of stars that shines so bright. I was constantly trying to make myself act like some kind of "real" or "normal" woman, in a desperate bid to keep my real self concealed from those around me.
The idea of again being shunned, or worse yet attacked, should someone have discovered the truth of my being, terrified me. I couldn't even be honest about my love of women, since my arousal can be considerably more obvious than other women, even when I wear my looser skirts. And the cost of hiding myself wasn't just to myself. I lost a good friend.
I don't know what happened to you, Thad, or where you went. I hope you got over me. I hope you found a more honest woman than I was who can care for your heart in the ways I can't.
But to think, of all things, that my life would change so much when I met a woman who's first actions were to taunt me and knock me on my rear. I remember how Selah radiated confidence in that training hall, and how magnificent and regal she appeared.
And my memory of her in that gloriously revealing subligar and top still make me hot blooded. Gods, she's always been gorgeous.
If you had told me that soon enough I'd be hopelessly in love and falling into the arms of someone who loves me the same, I'd have laughed at you. Not only could I have never believed that anyone could love me like I am, but I most certainly wouldn't believe it was this cultured, elegant, famous and powerful Primal slayer. I always thought Selah was far out of my league.
Sometimes I still do.
But bless her so much, she's never truly treated me as anything less than her equal. She doesn't lord her experience over me, and she never really thought of herself as more refined than I am. Just a person with different, and sometimes similar, but always equal life experience.
And so the weeks passed, and we learned from each other, we were drawn to each other, and we came to love each other, until that one fateful night in Ul'dah, where patience could be maintained no longer and secrets could no longer be kept. She reached out to me, and gave me her heart, the greatest gift I've ever received. And the memory of that kiss, like lightning and fire coursing through my very soul, still lingers on my lips to this day. And the memory of what followed continues to keep me warm on cold nights when we must part.
We've been through a lot since that night. She's helped me learn so much, about myself, about love, and how to live with both. I'm finally learning to control my temper, and finally figured out that I don't need to impress her at every turn. I'm learning that time for ourselves is good for time with each other. I'm learning that I could stand to be a little more tidy, and a little more open to things Selah likes.
And I've learned, most of all, that this love is nothing like I expected, but everything I needed. That the compromises are worth it, and that I will never stop loving her.
I visited Momma and Daddy today, and while I was telling them everything that's happened over the last months, I let something slip that I hadn't said to anyone.
I'm going to ask her to bond herself to me, and I'm going to use Daddys crest ring to propose. I don't yet know how, or when, or where, but soon. And I'm going to use everything I've learned to make it the best eternal bond Eorzea has ever known. Maybe I'll even commission that Silver Rose to write a book based on us.
With the Twelve as my witnesses, I will never let go of my dearest Lady Selah.
From Selah's Journal:
There is so much I haven’t told her.
And yet she knows the gist of it, or (as Sisifu would say,) the gesture. Or, as Silver Rose would put it, the impetus. The framework. The bones.
She knows I was unhappy. That I moved far from the simple life of a Coerthan miller’s daughter, through strange, dark and terrible passages. And ended up, after the Calamity, as this hard-edged warrior, this famous Primal-slayer — challenger of the gods, and destiny, and all civilized convention. She knows I need my space, and that sometimes dark moods wrap me like fog drifting through the Shroud. She knows I have a taste for fine things, expensive things — the things a knight’s bride might expect to own. Along with so much that I never expected, but, in the end, survived. She knows I love the life of the mind, and of creation, and that I tell silly stories. She knows I write songs.
And she knows my body, every bone and muscle and fold of it. She knows my outward and my hidden places. She can read every fleeting expression, every hint of pose and gesture. She knows the secret language of my breath.
When I met her, she was a lost child, though a woman grown, battling the confusion of her being. She stood stalwart against the hatred that was thrown at her -- alone, in ways that her unique body only hinted. And I challenged her, forced her to grasp her inner passion and fling it at me, to own her anger, and so control it. Even then, I had an eerie sense of recognition, as if I had known her all my life.
As if she was the missing part of me I had forgotten.
There was a star cluster I could see through the window of his bedroom, and I watched it while all those things I have not told her were happening. And I imagined that someone else was watching it, and our thoughts would merge, and that other one would come to save me. A private fairy tale for the miller’s daughter, who was now the ogre’s captive. A prince on a white chocobo would gallop up the stairs and blast the door with a bolt of rainbow magic, and slay the ogre, and carry me away to happiness.
It didn’t happen like that. Instead, the Calamity blasted the whole world, and I walked away from the wreckage. And wandered, lost and delighted, through a new-made world where a miller’s daughter could become a warrior, and no prince need apply. I was alone, and I liked it that way.
And then I met Ginal.
I think I loved her from the first moment we crossed lances. But it took me a while to figure out what was happening, and even longer to decide what to do about it. Even after she ended up in my bed, and my room, and my life, I was unsure. We spent such a long time learning what every young couple knows — that the secret of love is simple, but endlessly challenging. That its vital core is trust and communication. And that the goal of any love worth having, is lifelong commitment.
As I might have expected, it was Miounne and Ywain who pointed out the obvious.
“So when is the wedding?” Miounne asked as I walked into the Canopy one evening.
“We had damn well better be invited,” said Ywain, from his table.
I’m still not sure, I said. Or perhaps I only thought it.
Of course you are, they answered. If not in words, then in meaningful glances. You have been sure for a very long time.
I have. It is time to take the next step, and leap back into the thing that terrifies me, as no Primal ever has. Because all a Primal can do is kill you. And I have already lived through worse.
Marriage for me was a torture and a cage. And, to my shame, I escaped it through no act of my own. When the Calamity set me free, I had lived my whole life being done to, not doing. And I vowed on the smoking ruins, never again to be so helpless.
And so I pit my strength and courage against the world’s fell monsters, with their fangs and claws and fiery breath. I face them gladly, because all a monster can do is kill you.
But Ginal…
Ginal can force me to live.
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