Everyday Love: Entries 3 and 4

Entry 3, eight days after Silk Talons: Chapter 8

From Ginal's journal:

I'm becoming dependant on Selah’s approval.  This was a very hard hitting realization that I came to tonight, when I tried to talk to her about the Deepcroft debacle.

What began as my seeking an apology for her condescension turned into me sobbing in frustration when I finally realized that she was right all along.  I was careless and sloppy in the Deepcroft, and I probably did almost get myself killed again.  And why?  I think because I knew instinctively that she would be able to save me if something went wrong.

She always saves me.  She's been saving me since that day in the Walling Barracks.   Have I been neglecting the Ginal part of Ginal and Selah?  I find, anymore, that being on my own is frightening and hollow. I feel incomplete when I'm not with her. 

And since last week when she told me how proud of me she was, I've felt like that was the only thing that mattered to live up to. I wasn't really angry with Selah, I was angry with myself for not living up to my own misguided need.

I know I'm being unfair to her.  I'm constantly asking her to be patient and understanding, and gods bless her, she keeps giving it.  Is she really well off with someone with as much baggage as me?

I never dreamed that being someone's lover could be so much work.  She's worth it, I love her so much.

Please Selah, just see me through.

From Selah's journal:

The tension had been building all day. I considered starting the inevitable argument, but decided that it was better to let Ginal approach it in her own way, at her own time. And indeed, after dinner, she faced me across the room, took a deep breath, and said, “Do you really think I’m weak and stupid?”

It was obvious where this was going, but I wanted her to take it there. So I set down my book, looked her in the eye, and asked, “What are we talking about here?”

“Last night,” she said. “The Deepcroft. I was the leader — Tim appointed me — but you kept taking charge, second-guessing my decisions, stepping in front of me to grab agro, and generally treating me like a child. I’m not a child. I’m good at what I do. And I have senses you will never have — scent, and seeing in the dark. And reacting to danger — I have better reflexes than any Hyur. You have no right to belittle me, damn it!”

She stood there panting, balanced between rage and tears. I understood the feeling well. And she was right — I had pretty much taken over her role in the dungeon on a couple of occasions, and I wasn’t altogether proud of it. But that usurpation hadn’t come from jealousy, or wanting to be the constant center of attention.

Ginal is right — she is good at what she does. Especially since she hasn’t done this very long. But there had definitely been problems. If I see problems, I don’t ignore them.

I took a deep breath. This wasn’t going to be easy. “Okay, two things. First, I am also good at what I do. I’ve had a lot of experience in dungeon-crawling. And that makes me more aware of what can go wrong. Deepcroft is a simple battle. But, like all battles, it has complexities. You have to think one step ahead, think what might be around the corner, plan for contingencies. Because if you don’t, things can go spectacularly wrong.

“Second — and this is going to be the hard part — you did a fine job there. On the whole. But there were a couple of places you could have done better. Like when you pulled three Ahriman at once, before the healer was ready. No. You don’t do that. As it happened, we pulled it off. But barely, and mostly because I was there with my lance. 

“And then there was that room with the three walking skeletons. A simple fight, and you could handle it. But I stepped ahead to see what was coming. And there were five skeletons in the next room, and yes, they were coming. My warning let you handle it. Could you have done it if they had been a surprise? I don’t think so. My warning saved you.”

Ginal balled her fists. “You can be so condescending sometimes!” she shouted. Then she burst into tears.

She’s right. I can. And part of that is because I’ve had to fight things I hope she never has to learn about. It can make you hard as glacier ice, climbing out of a pit like that.

And part of it was concern for her, a back-handed way of showing love. Because if I let her make her own mistakes, she might end up dead. Or other people on her team might end up dead. And that’s a lot harder to live with.

Trust me on this, Ginal. I’ve been there. And you will too, some day. But not now, not yet. You still have some breathing room before the guilt sets in.

So I gave her the standard pep talk, about how it wasn’t about being a hero — it was about winning the fight, as quickly and efficiently as possible. And about leadership — how when you are in charge of a team, you are the team. You don’t plan based on your own strengths. You remember their weaknesses too. You know them, and you adapt the challenge to their limitations.

I thought I did a pretty good job, but all the while she was sitting on the sofa beside me, quietly whimpering. So I put my arm around her and told her she had done fine, and I was proud of her, and I could be an asshole sometimes. What else could I do? She had done well, on the whole, especially since it was her first time leading a team. And I am extremely proud of her. She is a marvel. And I can really be a righteous bastard, when the mood strikes me. But in my defense, whatever her native talents may be (and they are considerable) I really have a hell of a lot more experience than she does. In both victory and disaster.

I asked her if she would spend the night. She pointed to my book, and asked if I wouldn’t really rather spend the night with Silver Rose. To be honest, there was part of me that thirsted for the world of my favorite author’s imagination. But that’s not the kind of thing you say to your lover, especially if she’s still wiping tears from her pretty eyes. So I split the difference, and offered to read her one of the stories. And, somewhat skeptically, she accepted.

I picked the one about the mermaid. For one thing, it’s short. And Ginal would understand the pain of the sea-child at being so different from her land-bound lover. And, it has a very happy ending.

We all need happy endings sometimes, even if they are fiction. We made our own happy ending in bed afterwards, and slept like children in each other’s arms.

If I ever meet Silver Rose, I shall have to thank her.

Entry 4, twelve days after Silk Talons: Chapter 8

From Ginal's journal:

Selah accepted an offer from Tim to work with Doom as a special instructor and strategist.  Turns out, Tim's been plotting an employment offer for weeks ever since Selah led that fight against Ifrit.  I'm really excited, because I'm hoping this means I can see at least a little more of Selah when she's working with Tim and Grez at the company manor.  How obvious would it be that I'm wanting to be around her if I "just happened" to wander in and out of the manor a few times a day?

I'm also hoping that this means we'll work together soon on another big job.  I need to prove to her, and to myself, that I can work alongside her and not get careless and need her to save me.  Maybe I can even lead a team without trying to stupidly impress her.  I can learn from my mistakes.  I am learning from my mistakes.  I just need to chance to prove it.  Being able to bask in that wonderful lavender scent she wears while on the job would only make things all the better for me.

So, Selah surprised me last night by taking me out for our second formal date.  It was the last night of the Moonfire Faire.  We spent the early evening at the amphitheater learning what they call the Bomb Dance.  After a few hours of that, we went down the line of the Faire vendors and filled up on all sorts of carnival foods.  Have I ever mentioned that could eat my weight in funnel cakes and cinnamon fried sweet potatoes?

When night fell, we stood on the Canopy's balcony and she held me as we watched the first of the night's fireworks.  I feel so safe when she holds me like that.  I feel like she's held me like that a thousand times more than she really has, and it's like I'm coming home every time.  The fireworks only helped make it all the more romantic.  After that, we spent the night running around Gridania to play at all the Faire's games.  My favorite was the one they sectioned off for the Acorn Orchard, where we had to explode all those mock bombs.

After another snack of those wonderful sweet potatoes, we were browsing over some of the clothing the Faire vendors had on display, Selah bought us both some new bikinis.  I'll admit, I was eyeing that green one pretty hard, but I wasn't sure if I should even try to wear it.  I'm not exactly ready to answer for any mysterious bulges, after all.  But Nophica bless her, Selah promised to help me cover up anything potentially embarrassing by simply standing in front of me whenever I needed.

She looked unspeakably gorgeous in her blue bikini, and I couldn't even begin to hide how turned on I was.  I'm glad we took ourselves to the relative privacy of the Apkallu Falls.  And for my own part, I've truly never felt so sexy as when I put on that almost tight fitting, most certainly revealing bikini of mine.  It made me feel like such a woman, raised tent be damned.

Another couple hours of various activity in the water, which no, my dear journal, I shall not describe, we made our way back to the Carline Canopy's balcony to watch the Moonfire Faire's final fireworks show before the sun rose.  She held me close again for the hour long show, telling me several times how much she loved me.  Although truth be told, we may or may not have been too busy making out like riled teens to watch much of the fireworks.

It's times like this, where we set aside all duties and drama and just bask in each other's love, affection and company, that I know all the other parts are worth going through.  It's times like these that she helps me find the unrestrained adolescent thrills I was denied.

I love her more than I can ever word.  I want to be with her forever.



From Selah's journal:

All Gridania is caught up in the Moonfire Faire, which has a special poignancy here in the forest where it was born. We had our own way of celebrating it back in Coerthas — the lost Coerthas of villages and farms and sunny forests, before the snows became eternal. But there the celebration was yoked to religion, warped into yet another opportunity to trumpet the superiority of our Goddess. Here, it is more primal, and if it is “about” anything, it celebrates the moonlight in the trees, and the beauty of young, lithe bodies, and the joys of love in harmony with nature.

Or so it seems to me, bred as I was in Coerthas, where everything must be moralized, explained and justified. When I asked Ginal what she thought the Moonfire Faire was about, she blinked, and shook her pretty head, and said, “Why, it’s food and fireworks and craft booths and games and dancing until sunrise. And there’s just one more night, and can we go together?”

And so we did, making it into what she would call a “date”, which meant we were there as a recognized pair of lovers, with plenty of excuses for cuddling and kissing. Not that I’m complaining — I’m now convinced the best way to view fireworks is while holding someone in your arms, so your “Oooh!”s and “Aaah!”s turn naturally into kisses. And food tastes so much better when you hold out bites for your beloved to sample, and then taste the echo of it on her lips when you move in for another kiss.

We bought matching bikinis — mine sapphire blue, hers emerald green. I dithered over spending a small fortune on a lute, a beautiful creation worthy of a professional bard, inlaid with ebony and silver. And I ended up buying it, although I know I don’t have time to practice, and it will end up being left behind like all my other instruments, next time my life hits a crisis.

But there is no crisis now. There is only peace. And so I sit cross-legged on my bed and pick out familiar chords and fingering, and whisper familiar words. And Ginal wanders over with a question in her eyes, so I teach her the words to “The Wandering Maiden”.

She already knows the tune — it’s sung throughout Eorzea, with many different lyrics. But she should learn the Coerthan version if she is going to know me, and I am sure she agrees with my opinion that the last three verses were tacked on by the priests, to prove that wayward women come to bad ends. I think the song ends when she dances in the moonlight with the wild forest boy, and that is how I intend to sing it.

And I am working some final verses, to replace the “moral” ones tacked on by the Holy See and their damned representatives. Here’s what I have so far:

So we danced all night by the light of the moon

You joined your hand with mine

And I wrapped my waist with the skin of the wolf

And my hair with the wild grape vine

And the sun came up, and you did not leave

I saw your beauty clear

And I stood at your side as your own true love

Without doubt, or shame, or fear

For I know in my soul that I love you

I know that you love me

We will wander the world as lovers true

And warriors strong and free

The last verse could still use a little work, but I’m sure the words will comb themselves out when they are ready. The sentiment is there, even if the rhymes are a little awkward.